Subway, not just for sandwiches

This morning was an exceptionally packed subway day. I don't know why. Usually there are less people on Fridays but I've been here less than two weeks, so what do I know?!

I was looking around at people as I normally do and all the clothes (my God the fashion!) and I see these two people holding hands and looking at each other.One is sitting in a seat looking up at the other, eyes wide and smiling with teeth, holding their hand. The standing one looking down with crinkly eyes and a smile all the way in the corner of their cheek, speaking softly and rubbing their thumb over the others hand. It was so lovely, so beautiful, and I was like "what the fuck is this?" I hate feelings. I don't like having emotions about romance because they get in the way of getting shit done.

I've had very few interactions with New Yorkers but this one stood out. Scenario: Laying in the grass looking out at the Statue of Liberty talking about life with Candace and one of her friends. Talking about relationships past and present and one of them busts out with "you have a broken heart."

But do I? I think of a broken heart in the crying, feeling disassociated from my life, and all around miserable kind of way. Is there a way that lingers? That makes you not want to be in a relationship with anyone? I don't feel scared, I feel contemptuous of relationships. Maybe it's time for some self-reflection.

Either way, I can't assign this heartbreak (if that is indeed what it is) to any one person. I think it's a cumulative heartbreak with everything. Sweeping generalizations are my specialty, but here me out. In the last year and a half I have ended a very long-term relationship, almost fell in love with someone who was mentally ill, and dated multiple disappointments. Disappointments seems harsh, but they were like flat warm soda on a hot day. I also fell out of love with my home state, which at one time I did love very dearly. I loved California so much at one time, I disparaged every other state, including Hawaii!! But I don't love it anymore, maybe because it's changing, maybe because of the drought, maybe because I needed to fall out of love to grow as a person, I don't know. Either way, it happened and I'm here.

I hope New York helps me get through some things. It's stupid to think I wont be different from this experience, even if I packed my bags and left tomorrow, I would be different. I've never thought of myself as a romantic although I am a poet. Maybe this very famous town will make one out of me and I can rejoin the human race, and get some good poetry out of it. It's hard to think that I've been hardened by The Bay and looking to soften in New York, but I've always been full of contradictions. It's goes along with being a triple Gemini, look it up.