Subway, not just for sandwiches

This morning was an exceptionally packed subway day. I don't know why. Usually there are less people on Fridays but I've been here less than two weeks, so what do I know?!

I was looking around at people as I normally do and all the clothes (my God the fashion!) and I see these two people holding hands and looking at each other.One is sitting in a seat looking up at the other, eyes wide and smiling with teeth, holding their hand. The standing one looking down with crinkly eyes and a smile all the way in the corner of their cheek, speaking softly and rubbing their thumb over the others hand. It was so lovely, so beautiful, and I was like "what the fuck is this?" I hate feelings. I don't like having emotions about romance because they get in the way of getting shit done.

I've had very few interactions with New Yorkers but this one stood out. Scenario: Laying in the grass looking out at the Statue of Liberty talking about life with Candace and one of her friends. Talking about relationships past and present and one of them busts out with "you have a broken heart."

But do I? I think of a broken heart in the crying, feeling disassociated from my life, and all around miserable kind of way. Is there a way that lingers? That makes you not want to be in a relationship with anyone? I don't feel scared, I feel contemptuous of relationships. Maybe it's time for some self-reflection.

Either way, I can't assign this heartbreak (if that is indeed what it is) to any one person. I think it's a cumulative heartbreak with everything. Sweeping generalizations are my specialty, but here me out. In the last year and a half I have ended a very long-term relationship, almost fell in love with someone who was mentally ill, and dated multiple disappointments. Disappointments seems harsh, but they were like flat warm soda on a hot day. I also fell out of love with my home state, which at one time I did love very dearly. I loved California so much at one time, I disparaged every other state, including Hawaii!! But I don't love it anymore, maybe because it's changing, maybe because of the drought, maybe because I needed to fall out of love to grow as a person, I don't know. Either way, it happened and I'm here.

I hope New York helps me get through some things. It's stupid to think I wont be different from this experience, even if I packed my bags and left tomorrow, I would be different. I've never thought of myself as a romantic although I am a poet. Maybe this very famous town will make one out of me and I can rejoin the human race, and get some good poetry out of it. It's hard to think that I've been hardened by The Bay and looking to soften in New York, but I've always been full of contradictions. It's goes along with being a triple Gemini, look it up.

Sync-in

Holy hell! It's fucking hot in New York. I know people say that but it is hot, hot, hot, HOT. Although, currently I'm enjoying the wifi and air conditioning in my office because I bought my computer with me to use in a cafe near by. Since Candace is working late and most people are out of the office, I'm pretending I'm working late to write this blog. It makes me feel like I have some important secret business, and actually, what's more important than my readers? reader?

I feel like I'm starting to really get into the swing of things.  I'm almost done setting up my desktop stuff and whatnot. I know how to get somewhat around on my own. I also have food at Candace's house to eat. I made myself pre-cut food for the next few meals so I wouldn't have to turn the stove on again for a while because, did I mention it's hot? I was up 'till midnight cooking and chopping and sweating. I finally understand what people mean when they say "slaving over a hot stove" because in CA it only gets that hot a few days a year and you can just order pizza or eat sandwiches. The news says this is a heat wave so that makes me feel that maybe this wave will pass, although I'm not counting on it. I always heard in the movies that August is a very hot month in New York and in the Great Gatsby when they all get loaded I seem to remember people sweating a lot. I'm trying to convince myself that this is a free sauna and I'm actually in a giant spa.

Today I'm most excited about getting stamps! I can finally write letters. Although, we don't have a key to our mailbox so I can't really receive letters, I like to write them all the same. I don't have the arsenal of stationery here that I do at home but I have some, and I get to buy more!! I love buying stationery or making it as the case maybe. Things like that are superfluous so I have to be thrifty and creative. I'm generally pretty good at both those things so we shall see.

I'd like to get more active here. I signed up for the free pool and Candace has a big backyard area so maybe I will do some yoga out there or something. I don't have a yoga mat but I can get one at Marshall's or Ross or something for pretty cheap. That's where my first one came from! I also like that I haven't really been drinking. I'm an "opportunistic drinker" which actually means "I don't want to pay for that shit." I don't really care about drinking so it's been pretty chill. I'm eating a lot healthier here because I don't have the money to eat out, so I hope that will help me stay strong and healthy. More than anything I want to stay healthy because I CAN NOT afford to be sick. I really want to be able to afford a place to live and it's rough out here. Definitely doable but hella hard.

whirlwind

Ever since I landed I've been moving. The day after I arrived I started my new job and was in such a stupor I've almost totally forgotten about it.

Work is hard but I feel like in getting the hang of it, and I've never been afraid of hard work. This is really pushing me to be my most professional. Professionalism means something totally different in New York than it does in San Feancisco and I'm definitely feeling the culture clash. I'm relying heavily on Candace who is being so kind and generous but she is just so busy. She works around the clock literally. She goes to work and works and works, and come home and works and works. I'm trying to keep up and do my best, I just want to come off as polished and I'm not sure that I'm succeeding. My new motto is "don't let 'em see you sweat."

After a major pep talk from Candace last night I walked into the office today and tried to pretend like I've known everyone for the last 5 years, but people are taken aback a bit when I say "it's all good" and "cool." It's the details, details, details to remember, always being on my game, ironing my clothes, taking out piercings, covering tattoos, polishing my shoes. It's the corporate America I've watched movies about and I got one show for impressions. People do seen laid back with each other but I'm still feeling out my boundaries.

Honestly, the toughest part has been being without wi-fi. I just ran out of the office to pick up my shoes from being repaired/polished and found this little hole in the wall french cafe with wifi. I'm moving in. They open at 7:30 and I plan on being here on the dot to try and get some blogging in. Now that I'm here and wifi is hard to come by this is going to be my lifeline to my dear ones out in California.

There are so many people I miss. Mostly my family and besties. I haven't really had time to think about it too much but for the first few days it was rough to talk to my mom because I would burst into tears. The first few days were a weird dream. Candace has her head in the business and I'm sort of wandering through this big city. I love the energy but I feel dizzy trying to figure stuff out.

So far I found: the post office, the trader joes, the bus line to Chris' house, a shoe repair, and I signed up for the public pool (which was free!).

There have been some magical moments. There's tons of those puffy seeds floating in the wind through out the city. When I was a kid I used to catch them, wish on them and blow them into the wind. I feel like they're reminders of just how hard I wished for this. And there's fireflies in the park. Not that many but enough to feel like there's a little magic in the air.

Landing

It's 2 AM here and mostly I just want to sleep. I'm having a lot of feelings so far about New York. I'm happy to be here with Candace and stoked to live on top of a pizza place. Also, we have roof access/ a deck. Pretty sweet.

I almost cried a bunch of times. When I saw my grandpa, when I got through security and realized that was the last time I was going to see my parents for the next few months. When I got on the plane and took off. Right now.

I dunno. I'm trying to be excited and part of me is. I know I'm ready for the next thing but I already miss them so much. At least I brought my little shark with me for cuddles.

Good night.

Last Daze

It's my last day of work for the historical society I work for. I'm pretty bummed out. I've written 3 blog entries and deleted all of them because they're scattered and negative. No blog entry today I guess.

Deets and foods.

At this time next week I will be on a plane on my way to New York. Hopefully I will be asleep on that flight, but you never know with me. I still have a lot to do.

I have to do laundry, organize my jewelry, and start packing clothes I want to take to New York. Between saying goodbye and working up until the last possible minute this is going to be tough. Most importantly I need to make sure I get to the bank and get everything to transfer over to my new account. So many boring necessities to think of, so much stuff I hate doing!

This weekend I'm also taking a road trip with my dear friend Micaela to the Portland Zine Symposium in Oregon. I'm fairly certain this is a fancy name for a zine fest but I know how Portland likes to be fancy and I'm not going to hate them for it. I can't think of a better way to leave California and my bestie than taking a 4 day road trip to promote The Blunt Letters. When I get to New York I want to find places that stock zines and see if we can put some stuff there on consignment. In The Bay you just have to walk in and ask them to do it. Well, unless you're the uppity Rock Paper Scissors collective where you have to have at least 75 cool points and given at least 3 blow jobs to CCA faculty. They're the worst! They're a bunch of posturing dicks. Any time we see these moody hipsters in person they tell us to bring stuff by, but when we do they never get back to us. I wish there was an emoji to show me doing the jacking off hand gesture.  Yeah maybe that's rude, but so are they.

Thankfully, there's not much to do for the Blunt Letters to go on the road. We're like a well oiled machine. We have our tabling kits ready to go, an inventory box, and a bunch of fresh zines we printed last week and a car reservation confirmed. The only thing I have to do is change some square stuff but that's it. I'm looking forward to staying with Camden and apparently there's 5 bars in any direction from her house. One thing that Oregon does better than California is no sales tax and super cheap drinks. Like drunk for $20 cheap drinks! They're also great at catering to hippies and nerds; we're having vegan gluten-free lunches delivered to our table! OK, two things Oregon is good at.

Road trip food is also not the best but I do love trying pancakes in new places and These United States have some truly fantastic pancake places. As president of the Pancake Fanclub, I believe it is my duty to try all the pancakes I can whenever I'm on vacation. In fact, I tried some satisfactory pancakes in Long Beach this past June that I have neglected to write about. This is mostly due to the fact that they were fine but not great. However, I was racked with anxiety when I was eating at The Breakfast Bar (home of "alright" pancakes) due to my ATM card being stolen. Although, if they were truly spectacular pancakes I think I would have pulled out of my bad mood faster. Luckily The Breakfast Bar lived up to its name, they had excellent Bloody Mary's with lots of pickles!

On this trip I can't abide by my "If I'm not puking, I'm fine" vacation motto. Not because I want to puke more, but because I should refrain from activities that would cause gastro distress. I know we're called "The Blunt Letters" but I don't want to write another apology song to the state of Oregon. I really wish more places had veggie hot dogs because hot dogs are one of my favorite foods. I know Portland has lots of hippie foods for me to eat but the rest of Oregon is all about the flesh of animals. Fun fact! I learned yesterday that some Rastas don't eat meat because to eat meat is to touch death. They got their problems like everyone else, but I like that philosophy in particular.

Well this has devolved into things I like and foods I want to eat so I think it's time to wrap it up! Laterz.

Boxes, boxes, boxes!

8 days from today I'll be getting on to a big beautiful iron bird and flying non-stop (thank you Jesus!) to New York City to start the next chapter of the Elle Lectrick experience. Which I'm realizing now would have been a way better blog title, oh well. In the meantime I'm taking down the boxes one card board sentinel at a time, to shuffle and sort through all the earthly belongings of this West Coast life I've been piecing together. I think the fact that things like my beloved Hello Kitty toaster (burns her face right into the bread!) have been in storage for 6 months is reason enough to try to find a place that isn't The Bay that might have some counter space on which to put that fanciful kitty toaster. That may seem like a small, insignificant reason to ditch the Golden State, home of my entire friend and family base, but alas you have never had toast with a Japanese cat face on it.

 Just kidding!

 The facts are I've always wanted to live in New York. In high school I tried to get into Sarah Lawrence college, an endeavor that ended in a teary screaming match with my parents who absolutely refused to pay to have their daughter live 3,000 miles away from them. My reaction was fairly dramatic, but I was goth in high school so literally everything was dramatic. I opted instead to attend Mills College a mere 30 miles from my hometown. While I was in college I found my way onto a roller derby league and began traveling the country with about 45 other women. There's nothing quite like going to a women's college and being on a roller derby league at the same time, the closest comparison is belonging to a secret organization and being a celebrity with a massive entourage. I was told I could do anything and saw women everyday who said "I'm gonna do this" and just did it. And we're talking about The Bay Area in the mid-2000 the things that these women were going out and doing were so exciting; I saw the insides of art studios from people who made stuff for Burning Man, ate for free with food truck entrepreneurs, visited sex workers living rooms, carried red wine from a book launch reading to the back stage of a music venue, roller skated in historic landmarks, and jumped rooftops into a party with both a bonfire and a burlesque show.

After college, and a stint at a coffee shop where I met my bestie, I found myself working in 2 Bay Area museums and writing a the best zine in the universe The Blunt Letters. The second half of my twenties I had settled down considerably. Finally, I had work that I cared about, that allowed me to be my super nerdy self and talk to people who were interested in California. At that time I was still totally in love with California, the history, the weather, but slowly things were changing. The rents in my once beloved Oakland were sky rocketing as the tech industry boomed.From recession to housing crisis the working class artists were just getting slammed and Oakland was "totes into it". Every week there was a new macaroni and cheese restaurant, artisan meat eatery, over priced bar, and small business closure. What's worse is, my friends the artists and writers were moving out and away from the bay. I stayed and watched as venue after venue closed. There were no more house shows or even house parties because no one could afford a house. Eventually my own housing situation fell apart and I was back at my parent's house.

So cool, I have the best friend in the world, a sweet job, and the best zine in the universe. However, I live with my parents, I work 6 days a week, I can't afford an apartment, and I'm severely disillusioned. Enter the opportunity of a life time: a job in New York City, and a place to live for free until I get on my feet. It's time to dust off an old dream. After 2 anxiety attacks and many deep breaths, I'm here in my cardboard fort surrounded with the material pieces of my life thus far. Maybe having room for a toaster on my kitchen counter isn't the best reason to fly across the country to another incredibly expensive metropolis, but becoming a well-rounded interesting non-townie is a good reason.